Sometimes I feel inadequate. Actually, a lot of the times. Not just in one area of my life, but in everything I do. Whether it be with my family and friends, or work (and definitely when i was in school), or even in my own activities and hobbies, I grade myself with grading scale harsher than any other scale. I find myself doing this a lot, especially this past week.
I try to remind myself that it is all a learning experience. It is a day by day process that never ends. It is about the road and not the destination. I find myself all too often thinking about what I need to be or should be doing in so many months/years, and reminding myself of the what I could be doing of could have been only if I had done this or that. Its such a trap when one starts thinking that way. Then I loose focus find myself all over the place.
If I could sum up this past year....I would say it was a year of learning patience and appreciation. I need to be patient...with myself and appreciate the road that I am on. To enjoy the day to day experiences this path will give me. But to also learn, when I have made mistakes, and move on. Not to dwell on the what could have been or what I should have become, but to just be...me.
Last week I spent a day in the park and downtown taking pictures of the trees and their autumn leaves. I took pictures of the quiet neighborhood I walked around. But interestingly enough, the part about that day that I remember the most was not the pictures I took but the 83 year old lady named Ann that I ran into. She approached me saying how she daily plays Russian Roulette with the drivers that whiz past her on the streets and so far she has won, but one these days she won't. She then proceeded to tell me about how she loves her walks around the neighborhood and to the park and especially on days like the one we were out on. She asked me about the pictures I was taking....if they were for a class, or if it was my profession. I told her no, I take pictures because I love doing it. She wanted to know about me, if I was going to school, where I went to school, where I worked, what kind of work I do. She told me about her family, and about how her granddaughter was getting married that weekend in Iowa, and how she was sad she could not be there for the ceremony and celebration. She also told me about her adventures she had been on with her granddaughter in California and how her granddaughter wants to be a nurse. She then completed the conversation by saying how much he loved my naturally golden colored hair. I didn't have the heart to break her heart that it was indeed dyed. Then we parted and went our own ways. It was an interesting encounter yet wonderful at the same time. It made me think, a lot.
Anyways, it is the weekend. "Summer has come and passed"...and next week is November. Wow, another year has flown by...so instead of thinking about what could have been or what I should have been doing in this past year of my life, I am going to try and just happy that I had this year and look forward to the next.