Comfortable Loneliness?

"The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself." --Mark Twain

I Miss.

I miss many things.

I miss certain people.

I miss the possibilities.

I miss being creative.

I miss the mystery.

I think....most of all, I miss the music.

Maybe it will come back.

?

I Shall Return

Woah...update needed.

Well, currently.

Ideas, ideas, ideas. Plans, plans, and more plans.

Excited? Yes.

Inspriration.....here, there, everywhere. <--- (I have a plan for that.)

Okay, so this isn't a real post. But oh well. I have so much on my mind about so many different things. It makes me nervous, excited, hopeful, amped.

Stay tuned. I promise...I will be back shorty.

oh and here...just because.

Wake Me Up

Sometimes I feel inadequate. Actually, a lot of the times. Not just in one area of my life, but in everything I do. Whether it be with my family and friends, or work (and definitely when i was in school), or even in my own activities and hobbies, I grade myself with grading scale harsher than any other scale. I find myself doing this a lot, especially this past week.

I try to remind myself that it is all a learning experience. It is a day by day process that never ends. It is about the road and not the destination. I find myself all too often thinking about what I need to be or should be doing in so many months/years, and reminding myself of the what I could be doing of could have been only if I had done this or that. Its such a trap when one starts thinking that way. Then I loose focus find myself all over the place.

If I could sum up this past year....I would say it was a year of learning patience and appreciation. I need to be patient...with myself and appreciate the road that I am on. To enjoy the day to day experiences this path will give me. But to also learn, when I have made mistakes, and move on. Not to dwell on the what could have been or what I should have become, but to just be...me.

Last week I spent a day in the park and downtown taking pictures of the trees and their autumn leaves. I took pictures of the quiet neighborhood I walked around. But interestingly enough, the part about that day that I remember the most was not the pictures I took but the 83 year old lady named Ann that I ran into. She approached me saying how she daily plays Russian Roulette with the drivers that whiz past her on the streets and so far she has won, but one these days she won't. She then proceeded to tell me about how she loves her walks around the neighborhood and to the park and especially on days like the one we were out on. She asked me about the pictures I was taking....if they were for a class, or if it was my profession. I told her no, I take pictures because I love doing it. She wanted to know about me, if I was going to school, where I went to school, where I worked, what kind of work I do. She told me about her family, and about how her granddaughter was getting married that weekend in Iowa, and how she was sad she could not be there for the ceremony and celebration. She also told me about her adventures she had been on with her granddaughter in California and how her granddaughter wants to be a nurse. She then completed the conversation by saying how much he loved my naturally golden colored hair. I didn't have the heart to break her heart that it was indeed dyed. Then we parted and went our own ways. It was an interesting encounter yet wonderful at the same time. It made me think, a lot.

Anyways, it is the weekend. "Summer has come and passed"...and next week is November. Wow, another year has flown by...so instead of thinking about what could have been or what I should have been doing in this past year of my life, I am going to try and just happy that I had this year and look forward to the next.

fall crunch

just wanted to say....i love the sound of crunching leaves under my feet when i walk. makes me so happy. just thought i would share that.

let's see. it's been a month since i last wrote something. lot's of thing have happened in that past month. i find it amazing how fast time slips by. makes me work harder at valuing each moment that passes by. as for what has gone on in the past 30 some says....

for starters, i have a new job, still with the same organization. i am still doing what i did before, just at a different home and i have additional responsibilities. my job is providing direct care and support, along with some assistance in administrative responsibilities. i will admit it was hard leaving the clients i was working with before, i spent a good 13 months working with those individuals and definitely built some attachment to them, but change is good. as hard and sad it was leaving that home, it was needed. i needed to be challenged and a new scene. getting to work with different individuals is always a good learning experience. i am enjoying the home, environment, individuals i serve, and the team i am working with. so far...good.

so, there are many boxes in our house right now. that is because my parents were able to go back to california and retrieve most of our belongings out of storage and bring it back home so we could once again use and enjoy it's presence. they were not able to get everything, unfortunately, due to weather and moisture that got into the storage container, but a lot made it back with them and will be used again. it is a big job, though. a lot of painting, repair, and unpacking to do.

being that we have gotten a lot of our stuff back from california, it has forced me to go through my stuff that i had been using and go through stuff that came from california and decide what i want to keep, and what i want to get rid of. i am currently taking apart my room to reevaluate how i want it to look and how to put it together. i have strong urge to paint some items too. we will see how this ends up.

as for other things....i have collected 2 more old cameras that i am having a blast shooting with. along with that, i am exploring more films, and have a current obsession with slides. just beautiful.

a few weekends ago took part in the fort collins tour de fat and had a blast. definitely will do it again next year. other than that, just enjoying each moment that arrives. a lot of fun things to do around here and i love discovering them as they pop up. enjoyed good hawaiian food a couple nights ago in windsor and have plans to head up to estes and into rocky mountain national park tomorrow (it's free day, if anyone is interested). i will take my camera and shoot as many pics as possible. capturing moments.

favorite things

ten reasons why i love colorado...

--afternoon thunderstorms
--aspen leaves rustling in the wind
--cool crisp mountain air
--natural beauty
--the rocky mountains
--blue skies
--sunsets on the lakes
--beautiful seasons
--wild flowers growing everywhere
--the endless list of activities and adventures

anyways...exciting things coming up. new job position at work, starting in september. close friends visiting in october. yeah, i am happy.















taken in estes park.
afternoon storm rolling in august 15th, 2010

oh monday. anyways, had a wonderful weekend with family. celebrated my dad's and niece's birthdays. celebrated my mom and dad's and aunt and uncle's anniversary. had family from out of twon with us. went to estes park, watched a sunset at lake loveland, took pictures, and ate good bbq and ice cream. great weekend.

now it is monday. i have my one year evaluation today.

here's an image from the weekend.














have a great week.

this post is about nothing really. just felt like posting something.

family is in town. that is fun. maybe go up to estes park tomorrow.

i want to go to summit county this weekend, or the next. take some pictures. enjoy the mountains in the summer.

friends may come visit early part of this fall. that makes me happy.

i want to go camping. in the mountains.

took my cats to the vet the other day. they were very unhappy about that.

paying student loans sucks.

have to work tonight.

very tired.

that's all.

the perfect balance

i find it interesting, how quickly time goes by. the days are becoming like the wink of an eye. the weeks are zipping by without a pause for breath. and the months....they are just flying by. it's already the first of august, yet, i feel like summer is just beginning.

at the beginning of the year i had a list things i wanted to do and accomplish. some i did, most i didn't. don't get me wrong, i am happy for things i did and accomplished and i cherish each moment of those things, yet i have a mingling sense of failure that i seem to not be able to shake. why is that? i do not know, but it is still attached to me. maybe because i am a perfectionist and i have to accomplish everything i put my mind to, and when my expectations aren't met, i blame myself.

don't get me wrong, when i say i am happy, i truly am. i finding more and more things that put a smile on my face and i love it. but i cannot help but think of the things 'that could have been', or the 'would ifs', or the 'maybe if i had just tried harder', and finally the most evil of them all...'why me/not me'. but i must admit now that i am stuck in a rut right now. i LOVE my family, LOVE my friends, even love my job....yet.....

i will figure it out soon, the perfect balance of contentment and yearning. and i can get my leaning soul into a more balanced state. i don't know how to put it in words. shoot, i don't even know the prescription, but somehow it will come into existence. i probably won't even notice the development or process of it considering the days have become like the blink of an eye. check back in another 4 months and maybe i will be standing straight. or sooner.

umm update.

umm wind....lots of wind.

umm allergies....lots of allergies.

umm laundry....mountains of laundry.

umm insomnia....no sleep last night.

umm work....lots of work lately.

umm pandora....loving pandora.

umm film....obsessing over and purchasing tons of film.

umm traveling....lots of traveling lately (march: LA, april: NYC, may: Wisconsin and Chicago, june: LA).

umm being lazy....spending time off from work watching old tv favorites. (reruns of boy meets world and friends).

hmmm....what else??? i think that pretty much sums up the past month.

why are things weird on here???

understanding quality

after my incredibly enjoyable trips to LA and NYC, i am dying to spend more time behind my lens. that being said, i have been studying up on 35mm professional film manuals and reviews. i never really paid much attention to the quality of the film i would select, just opting for the cheapest, yet fully understanding what the consequences would be....and many of my pictures reflect that. i always had a basic understanding of different films and different film speeds, but like i said, i would always opt for the cheapest options.

i really want to take more quality pictures and enjoy them afterwards. i am understanding more and more. (too bad all of it is ridiculously expensive...)

i should update this more often. i promise....i will get better. =P

August Adventures

it has been a while since i have updated. a lot has happened. first of all i got a job in the middle of july, so that was good. enjoying that thus far. been going through some training, and almost have that completed.

as of the beginning of august i have been back in california. mainly because i completed my college requirements by taking an ASL class. i was able to sign up for a program at CSUS (Sac State) that covered the courses ASL 3 & 4. it was an immersion program which consisted of an intensive two week class that fully immersed in ASL. we had deaf teachers and commnicated in ASL ONLY. no verbal communication was allowed at any time between 9am-9pm. i must say it was a very challenging, yet rewarding experience. i had excellent professors. i learned so much about the language and the culture. it was flippin hard, i must admit, but i have gained so much through it. anyways, i completed that just this last friday evening and feel very happy about it.

last weekend i got a very wonderful brief 24 hours with my dearest friends. the girls drove up from LA in the middle of the night to visit with me. we checked in the hotel at 2am...chatted for a bit...fell fast asleep...and then woke up just in time for some breakfast at Hobies at 1pm. after that we couldn't make up our mind on what to do next only to find ourselves in bridal shops helping michaela find that special gown. after that we had to say our goodbyes. it was awesome seeing them again. and i already miss them.

in the mean time, i was able to spend the past couple weekends with my brother and sister in law (Jared and Mary Lou) while they anxiously awaited for the arrival of their new bundle of joy. well, as of late last night (Aug. 15th), Adalyn Grace Lumiqued Koopman finally arrived. i spent most of today at the hospital visiting with the new little one. and she is so precious. i am a very happy auntie. see www.koopmanohana.blogspot.com for more info and pics.

so, to say the least, it has been a very busy yet rewarding end of summer. i spend one more day out here in california then on tuesday i fly back home to colorado. i start up work again this wednesday afternoon. anywho, i think that is it for now. as they say in ASL (*hand motion*). =)

sorry for a such a delayed update. anyways, a lot has happened in the past few weeks. my class has started this month and have been studying my book and preparing myself for the online quizes. will be doing that the rest of this month before i leave august 1st to fly out to sacramento to do the in class portion. real excited and nervous about it, but i know i will learn a lot.

after about 40 days of job searching i finally landed a job! i applied at this company called Mosaic, it is a non-profit organization that cares for patients with developmental disabilities. the patients they serve and care for live in homes throughout the cities and Mosaic hires workers to help and care for them 24/7. i will be working in one of the homes. i am very excited about it and have high hopes for it. sounds like a good start on a career.

let's see, what else is going on....well i am definitely excited to see my niece who is due to arrive this early august. the whole family is excited about that. i look forward to seeing her this august when i am out there.

i discovered yesterday that i seriously need to start visiting the gym or find a way to get in shape. i actually have been good about eating well (with a few exceptional visits to dairy queen...god i love those blizzards), but nevertheless i need to start working out...again. after my lifting/strength test i took yesterday afternoon, for my new job, i found that my muscles need a little more movement. haha

anyways, glad it is the weekend again. don't know what i will do. oh well.

update

so....i need to update. today's is father's day. we spent the day going to church in the morning. then we went to a park to grill some burgers and chill there. it was nice, the weather was very pleasant and hardly no one was there. afterwords we went to a summer greenhouse party. got to munch on some really good food, sip sangria, and look at plants/flowers. we spent the rest of the evening watching australia (it is finishing up right now), and i have been uploading pictures to the internet.

tomorrow starts another day/week of job searching. i had an interview last friday, that i felt went good. i hope to get called for a second interview, which they implied would be done this tuesday/wednesday. so....hopefully i will get called back for that. the job would be at a local downtown coffee shop which was a real nice. it is located in a bookstore which is awesome. non the less, i will continue applying at places, hoping something will come through.

as for other things going on....not much. i spent the day yesterday hanging tings in my room and putting together pictures. that was fun to see my room come together and feel more like home. mom has been working hard on our ever growing garden of plants/flowers/veggies/&herbs. it is coming together real nice and it is fun to grow some stuff for our use. the yard around the house has improved much, which is great. the grass is growing in like crazy, which is weird, yet great!

not much else is going. things have been low key otherwise. the weather has kept us entertained though, so that is good. we usually get a daily storm (rain/lightning/hail/etc...). it has been nice to be free all day to do whatever i want. although, i find that i am getting anxious for a job and an income. i am completely broke and find myself bored at times. i spend most of my day online searching job posting and sending in my resume to numerous places.

goals for this week:
--go for a run at least 2 times. (next week will be 3 times, and then the following 4, & etc...)
--put more job apps in
--visit more places around town
--wake up before 8am (i, for some reason, cannot wake up before 9am for the life of me)

so that's it for now. =)

so today i am continuing my desperate job search. not much luck so far. i have applied to about a dozen jobs and no word yet. i guess that is how it goes.

i am getting my haircut this afternoon....finally after like six months of not having one. i am looking forward to that.

it has been quite stormy here in colorado. we have had several tornado warnings in the neighboring county. lots of rain and lightning and thunderstorms. last weekend we were at some friends place outside of town and we just sat on there backporch and watched the lightning storm off in the distance. it was great! i am actually enjoying living in a place that gets exciting weather. the rain is refreshing and the thunderstorms are exciting.

this is definitely going to be an intersting summer. getting everything squared away for taking this class this summer. i am kinda excited about it. it is going to be fun. meet new people and learn a lot.

anyways...not much else is going on. will keep you posted of anything exciting. =)

changes.

so, i know i told everyone that i would start blogging again on a regular basis. so here is the start of that. so much has happened within the last few weeks, i will try to remember to include all the highlights. so basically, in a nut shell, i graduated, had a vacation, and moved about 1000 miles away to loveland, colorado. now i will break it down and share my experience.

first off, i graduated....with a promise to finish one class this summer, which i am taking this summer here in colorado and in sacramento. i will discuss this in more detail later. anyways, after a long semester of not knowing what was going to happen (if i get to walk or not, etc...) i found out about two weeks before the graduation ceremony that they would indeed let me walk in the ceremony. so...pushed through finals and got to walk that saturday morning. the last week there i joined my roomates at the senior banquet; ate good food and goofed around. the night before my graduation i spent time with my closest and dearest friends at our usual celebration spot, Tu Tu Tango. many family and friends came out for our graduation. it was ncie to see eveyone at the ceremony. it was a good ceremony, not too long not too hot...even though we were all sweating like pigs up there under those black graduation robes. after the ceremony we went to Mary Lou's mothers place and had a very nice, relaxing graduation party with family and friends.

after that, we spent the rest of the weekend moving out of our apartments and attempting to pack my car full with our stuff to take back to colorado. in that process we both ended up giving away a lot fo our stuff. some things were kind of hard to let go of, but it was also good to clean out and just start fresh.

that sunday we had a baby shower for my brother and mary lou. that was nice. many people came out for that. we got to see everyone and eat good food. it was a great afternoon.

we got a special treat last week. we were able to spend monday through friday at a hotel suite in anaheim next to disneyland. it was great to get there and just relax and lay around, watching tv and movies, swim in the pool, and eat good food. on tuesday we went to disneyland for the day. that was a fun day. mom and dad had never been, so it was fun exploring it with them. it was a good day. it wasn't hot, lines weren't too bad, and tons of fun. the only bummer...peter pan ride was closed for construction. =( we all pooped early and left the park around 6pm. but we eneded up going to bucca di beppo for dinner, which was fantastic!

wednesday i had my last day teaching at the studio, which was exciting and sad at the same time. i had some good kids as students, and it was sad to have to leave them. after teaching, i spent the evening hanging out with debbie at yogartland, which quite yummy and good to catch up with her. will miss that for sure.

thursday, i spent time relaxing hanging out with ken in the afternoon. got to see his new place and he gave me one last massage, which was fantastic. it was very much needed and very relaxing. will definitely miss that and spending time hanging out with him. later that evening sangeeta and raj and michaela came over to hang out at the hotel and went swimming at the pool.

friday, we had to check out andholly took off for san diego with her friends and i went with my parents to load up my car and pack it up for driving back to colorado. i had made plans to hang out with friends on friday night, one last time before leaving for the roadtrip home. it wa sa great time. everyone came out and we hung out at heroes and veronese in fullerton. couldn't have asked for a better time. it was great and i will miss everyone terribly.

dad and i started our roadtrip to colorado at 2:30am saturday morning. dad took the first driving shift while i caught up on some zzzz's. by the time i woke up at 6am, we were already rolling into las vegas. we made a stop by albertson's to grab some breakfast and got gas and then headed out of there. i drove for a bit then. i wanted to be able to stop and hang out in vegas for a bit, bu by the time we got there, i think both of us just wanted to push through and keep on driving. after driving a bit i realized i was still tired and we made a quick pit stop and switched drivers. we rolled into st. george, utah and had in-n-out for lunch. that was the last in-n-out we would see. out next stop was beaver, utah. made a quick switch in driving and i took the wheel and drove us the rest of the way through utah and into grand junction, colorado. it was awesome driving through utah. we went through a few mountain ranges that were absolutely beautiful. it looked like a smaller version on the grand canyon. i didn't get any picture cuz i was driving, but it was awesome. we got to grand junction at 6pm and made a quick pit stop and got some ice coffee's from mcdonalds and then started driving again. dad drove the rest of the way to denver, going through and over the rocky mountains. got a lot of nice pics of the mountains and scenery. although, it was getting dark so i stopped taking pics when i reached frisco, colorado. we made it to denver by 10pm. we had to pick up the van at my cousin's place. and then dad drove the van while i drove my car to loveland. we got home by 11:30pm. we did a quick unload of the car and took a shower and went to bed.

so, for the day and a half that i have been here, i have unpacked and organized my room. run a few errands, got caught up online, and started writing this. i know this has been a long post, but these past couple weeks have been quite an adventure.

today i am working on continuing to unpack, write this out, write up a resume so i can begin my job search, run some errands around town, and relax. i miss california and my friends there, but i have to say i am a bit excited to be somewhere new and discover new possibilities. i remember when i first arrived to la mirada five years ago and having that exact same feeling. while i was sad to leave my family and friends from northern california i was excited to be at a school, to meet new people and friends, and discover possibilities and boy did i get all of that. while the last two years at biola were definitely my hardest (not just academically but emotionally and physically) i do not regret one moment these last five years. not only do i have a degree and experience, but i have amazing friends and family out there. i will miss it greatly, and i hope to return someday.

as for now...i am excited. i have a lot i need to do. find a job, finish my summer class. half of it takes place online, and then the first two weeks in august i will be in sacramento to do the in class potion of the course. i am excited about this class it is going to be a great experience. in mid august i will get to become an aunt, which i am very happy and excited about. will get to spend time with family then. i am hoping to find a way to make a socal visit at that time. we will see. after the summer, i need to definitely have a job and then go from there.

i hope to, within the next year, pick up my cameras again and rediscover my passion for photography. i already have started to do so. and maybe next year i will take a class or two on photography. so look for pics...i will be posting some.

i still have hopes to travel. i am still looking into teaching english overseas for a time. i still want to learn more asl. i still want to teach music to kids. i still want to look into possibilities in TESOL. how and when will i do all this, i do not know. but i do know that i have the rest of my life to do these things. can't wait to see how it all happens. never know what can happen....

the future

super uper duper busy these days. trying to get things finished up to graduate, and move on to bigger and better things in life. what do i have planned? well...i don't know exactly. i have some ideas, actually quite a few ideas. let's see, here are the big three.

1. travel! go overseas somewhere. i could teach english. maybe do that for like a year.

2. stay in the country. i could sub teach. or looking at a program called teachforamerica.

3. pursue more education in ASL and deaf studies.

those are the ideas.