well, it has been quite the week. with this new job it has definitely filled up my empty time. which is good...better that i be doing something (and something that makes me money) than sitting around doing nothing. i cannot wait to get paid.
it has been stressful too, this week. trying to get registered for next semester. while i am extremely great full for the amazing financial package we receive to come here...it is still not enough...and the amount we still have to owe is beyond my bank account or my parents too for that matter. so, i have just been stressing out this week about how we can solve this problem and solve it before it is too late.
i have begun to accept the inevitable though, the idea that i might have to take a semester off and just work. i honestly don't want to do that for various reasons. this would push my graduation date back another semester, which seems to constantly happen. i have already been at biola a year longer than i planned from when i transferred in. and then i found out that it would be another whole to actually finish up, so that put my graduation date at spring '09. that alone has been hard to deal with. now with all my closest friends done at biola and moved on, and me being 23, gonna be 24 this year...i just feel old here now and old for college, and just that i have been over the college days for a couple years now and has made this year and the idea of another whole year hard to deal with. and now, the fear that i might not get to be here this semester makes everything take even longer. i just want to be done and start pursuing a career and actually living my life. i have been in college since fall 2002 and transferred to biola after two years at the community college. i have been at biola for four years now and was expecting another whole year here...now this situation...ugh...i am just over it.
anyways, i have trying to start preparing for the idea i might not be here this semester and started looking for housing in the area. another i have to consider now is that i have no home to go to, with my parents in transition themselves...looking for a job and ministry and place to call home. so i have been looking for rooms/apartment to rent for the next several months, at least until next fall. (which i do plan to return at that time.) i have one place i am going to go check out this afternoon. plus i will have to job search because if i cannot stay as a student at biola, i loose all my on campus jobs, because i will not be a student anymore. so i need to job search for something so i can survive on. i got rent, food, gas and car issues, and bills to consider in that case. we will see, i guess.
anyways i have just been thinking about the future...what i want to do, where i want to live, and what i am going to be...and when all this is gonna ever happen for me. i feel stuck...frozen and imprisoned here in school and i feel like i can't live my life. there are plans i want to pursue and start building on, but i can't until i have my degree. so as much as i hate being in college, i want to just finish so i can have that degree. i just feel so frustrated and overwhelmed by this, i don't know what to do or so or feel.
it was good because last thursday night i went to church for worship practice and before we practiced we sat and shared our praises and concerns and then prayed about it. and it was awesome to hear our drummer share about God is teaching him joy and contentment and thankfulness in his life. and he said he has been spending time listing things, people, circumstances and situations in his life that has been a blessing. and just seeing the lists and how much there is to be thankful for. so despite all my frustration and concern about my situation i know that if i were to sit down and list the blessings in my life, it would be alot longer than my list of concerns and frustrations. who knows, maybe i will start listing those things...
be blessed.
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