mixed up

there are times when i just don't know. when a million different feelings seem like they just control me. all kinds of feelings: peace, fear, happiness, hope, sadness, contentment, anger, jealousy, discontentment, nervousness, anxiety, and so on...sometimes i want to feel one way, but another takes over me. how does one feel happy, yet sad; or hope, yet fear; or maybe peace, but there is still alot of anxiety? is that allowed? does that work? can you feel two very opposite feelings at the very same time? apparently you can, it seems to be the story of my life. each year of my life gets more and more complicated and mixed up. i wish i could just be ok, ok with my life and ok with what i am feeling. my problem is i am an over-analyzer. i over-analyze everything, including myself. then i end up not allowing myself any kind of feeling and spiraling back down into my negative black hole. i will never be able to explain what that hole is really like, and what i do to myself there...but it exists and i place myself there each time those millions of feelings creep up into my soul. then all i want is to be numb: numb from these confusing feelings, and numb from the black oblivion i put myself in. i find my numbness in not feeling any emotion, by ignoring the feelings and the situations that bring about those feelings and emotions, and by not allowing the tears to flow. i never let the tears come, because if i do then i am allowing one emotion to take over i don't know if that is ok. so i never let tears come. i make myself numb instead. then i punish myself for allowing feelings and emotions control my life, and all this time i haven't been allowing myself to fully feel and express these feelings and expressions. (see the irony of it? and see the repetitive and circular reasoning in it?) most of the time the strongest feeling i end up feeling is hatred, not necessarily toward others, but mostly to myself. so, i just don't know. it is in times like these that i find my solace in very few places, very few. do i dare admit to what that is, do i dare put it out in the open...because if i do, will reality hit and i come to realize that that too is just as fake?

there are certain notes/chords that when it is heard it seems to bring me out of my black hole of numbness and lets me feel a moment of...something...i don't know how to describe it...but it is there...a moment of something other than the numbing blackness...

then there is God, who, as i am told, loves and cares for me. and He is there when i am happy, and when i am sad, and when i am afraid...on and on...but sometimes it is hard, it is really hard to feel those holy arms around me...when i am in my black pit-alone and numb. sometimes it is just really, really hard to remember and know that He is there holding me and carrying me through. and to be honest, sometimes i don't remember that and i don't care. i rather sit in my hole and be numb and hate myself for my feelings and for who i am. i mean it is alot easier to do that then it is to remember that there is a God who is holding me with His invisible arms that i can't feel. again, i don't know.

so what i am i to do? do i dare let myself feel or sit in my comfortable black hole where i make myself numb? what should i feel? what should i do with my self-hatred? where do i find my peace?

for now...i will play myself a song that is carrying those notes/chords that bring me a moment of peace as it rings through my ears...then i will try to imagine those holy, invisible arms wrap around me (arms that i will not feel) and hold me...as i try to shed a tear that breaks the numbness that consumes my body and soul, and then sleep in peace.



psalms 4